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Emigration December 2, 2008
Emigration is a great issue in Poland, now. There are many reasons why people go abroad. The first reason is of course money and hypothetically better job opportunities in other countries. But there are also other motives, not so often mentioned: adventure, travel, excitement. As an artist I would like to live in London and New York. These places always seemed attractive to musicians, painters, fashion designers etc. I hope to find my way in life, my place on Earth where my comics and art will be understood and appreciated.
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Emigration however is something mythical at this point in my country. It’s something more than just going to a different place in the world for a couple of years. It may be so, because Polish people don’t like changes very much. They don’t like to move from a place to place, change flats, friends, jobs, boyfriends. If it was only possible for them, they would stay in one point all their life and regret that it’s not as good as they would like it to be, but they wouldn’t change anything about it, either. They have an imaginary picture of foreign countries looking like a Neverland, Disneyland or some perfect place – when you only arrive there, life gets better for you. God smiles on you. Everybody welcomes you with a huge smile and appreciation.
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In fact you must be more realistic about it.
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Polish traditionalism has been a great obstacle in my relationships with men. Men usually think they can’t be my boyfriends if I live in a different city. Apparently trains, cars or buses don’t exist in their imagination. That’s why by some point I made a decision that I don’t want to have a Polish boyfriend, because if I move to a different city or go to London, this will be the end of the relationship for him. If I come back – the affair will begin anew. It’s ridiculous. If the guy really cared, this wouldn’t be a problem.
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Children are inspiring December 2, 2008
My 10 year-old cousin Ola has been a source of great inspiration to me.
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An e-mail from Michael Jackson November 30, 2008
I got deeply inspired with Michael Jackson recently. It’s interesting – I didn’t ever listen to much of his music. When I was a kid, Poland was a Communist country and there was no MTV or color music magazines. There were just two black and white TV channels with all the propaganda. One could rarely hear American pop music on the radio. The Berlin wall fell when I was 6. Soon after, when I was 11, we got an opportunity to install cable TV in our TV sets and watch 100 channels. You must imagine that a shift from 2 to 100 programs was fantastic! I enjoyed Cartoon Network and MTV the most. And so I did some of the video clips of Jackson from that period of time. I didn’t understand the phenomenon of great music back then. At that time Bugs Bunny was my one and only genuine idol. If he existed for real, I would have married him. Later, when I got 15, I became interested in Nirvana, Pearl Jam and Smashing Pumpkins. So, unfortunately, I wasn’t ever a loyal fan of Michael.
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In the last days I got focused on the music, fashion and video clips from the 80s and early 90s. I made my personal research on what life and popular art was like in that time. It’s fascinating to me, because on one hand I was already here on Earth back then, but on another I was just a kid, so I didn’t comprehand much. The Western culture was a great fun in that period, while in Poland it was very grey back then. I got excited with all that fun, colors and bliss. And so I came across Jackson’s songs and films documenting his concerts. He is definitely a personality. I would like to get an e-mail from him one day. I wonder who would he like to get an e-mail from?
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Celebrity November 30, 2008
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Recently many new celebrities appeared on the Polish music and film scene. You don’t have to do much to be a celebrity. It’s enough if you appear in a mid-class TV-series, a commercial or a TV program in which you pretend to be able to sing or dance. A celebrity is a person who is known for being known. It’s a TV character, but not necessarily someone talented, intelligent, gifted or an interesting personality. In a way calling someone a celebrity is offensive. That’s why a friend of mine said she wouldn’t like to be called a celebrity. Being a celebrity is not the same thing as being a star. There are many celebrities, few stars.
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The ambiguousness of love November 30, 2008
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I once was very much in love with a guy who is a Polish musician. However he has been having an attitude towards me as towards a groupie. It has been very painful to me. I was impressed with his music and personality. We met and I liked spending time with him. I thought he was an intelligent man. Now I think I kind of wasted my time. I wonder what is the difference between a regular girl who admires you and appreciates you as an artist – and a groupie? Where is the line? Is there any line?
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But even if I was his groupie, which I think I am not, would it be something wrong? Is there something not good or improper about admiring life, art and an image of a man? Isn’t it a little hypocritical that a man spends all his life on making music and then if somebody comes and says: “Wow, I really like it. It’s wonderful, very inspiring and touching” this man ignores you and ridicules you? That’s why I like the attitude of Michael Jackson towards his fans. He always thanks them for their devotion, affection, love and support. He always accepts their presents. He doesn’t find shouting and screaming girls stupid. He doesn’t take advantage of them. He strokes their heads, dances with them on stage, accepts their gifts, hugs them. I guess it’s very fair.
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Toxic family November 30, 2008
I have had difficult times with my family. In result we are not seeing each other very often. The reason was that my father had always been abusing alcohol. My grandmother would always be telling me how much of a problem that was to her, but she never told him. It got very complicated by some point, as it always does. I think I was very tired of this constantly present issue of alcohol. I was already living by myself and went to the university. I was not drinking myself. I always had to take care of myself, be a grown up and highly responsible person. My father was always behaving as if he was a cruel and very cynical baby. Alcoholics make cripples out of themselves. When they are drunk, they can’t speak clearly, walk by themselves, they lose money, they don’t remember what they are doing or saying, everybody laughs at them, they are being ridiculed and laughed at, they can piss their pants, fall asleep in the most improper place or situation, they stink. How much different from a disability is that?
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I figured out that my father was a grown up person. He knew he shouldn’t had been drinking. If he was still doing it and he was still a cripple, it was his decision and a choice. I decided not to take responsibility for his actions and not to get involved in conversations about his problems. The family got offended. In my grandmother’s opinion I should be having an unhappy life because of my father’s problems. I disagreed. I was not doing anything wrong in my own life. On the contrary – I did many good things. I wanted to be a good and happy person and deserved it 100%. My family said it was selfish and “punished” me in a way the family can hurt you the most – by isolation and ignoring your existence. It was very painful.
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The comics are about 2 situations: one real and one imaginary. Once I got a letter from my grandmother in which she again shared all the possible problems she could only think of with me without asking me how I was. In her opinion I was never allowed to feel bad. I was a prodigy child meant to be her psychologist. I was meant to be successful on one hand, but very unhappy on another because of the problems of other people. I got upset with the letter, because it had been 2 years then since I have seen my grandmother and the rest of the family. I didn’t feel related to them any longer. I had my own life. And they didn’t understand it. In a way I needed their support and politeness. Kurt Vonnegut once wrote that people say they love each other, but it would be much better if they were simply polite to one another instead, if they think love means hurting. I do agree.
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The second comics shows the letter I wanted to get from my grandmother, but she has never written it. I always wanted my father to stop drinking and be a good person. I still believe in him though I’m not seeing him and he has done many wrong things to me. I hope he will be fine. I guess I have forgiven him. I’m not angry, though I used to be. I can’t do anything to change his life for the better. Everybody has to do it himself.
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Aggression November 30, 2008
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Did you every feel like not knowing what to do in your life? I’ve been always looking for a reason in life; for my own way. I’ve had my weak moments. I always believed that if I’m sensitive and good for others, people will find a value within me. Unfortunately there are some people who will never find me a valuable person, no matter what I do. It can be painful.
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I’ve had a situation a year ago that I got mugged by a 15 year-old girl boxer on a tram. I was coming back from my university and this girl started shouting and behaving really loud. No one paid attention to her, no one told her to stop. I did it and in the result she hit me really hard on my face a couple of times. She almost broke my nose. I had my face bruised and I was feeling very humiliated. No man would ever hit me like this. And now a girl did it. And she was so young. She could have been my younger sister. A sister that I always wanted to have and teach her what is good and what is ignorant, so that life would be easier for her. So that she wouldn’t have to go through the hard things I went through.
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I couldn’t go to the university for 2 weeks without a make up. It was taking me 2 hours every day to put the make up on. I had very difficult exams by that time and my all face was in pain. I had to be more preoccupied with my looks than my education and tests. It was ridiculous. I was ashamed of telling anyone of what has happened, of showing my face. On another hand I wanted people to know in how much pain I was. It was very humiliating and difficult for me as a female. I was so ashamed of showing my face, that the make up which I put was very glittery and sexy. Many people thought I was looking very attractive, though in fact I was suffering tremendously. It was very hard.
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What I realized later was that the girl really wanted to damage my face for all my life. I was asking God why this happened to me? Later I thought that maybe I was lucky just to get my face bruised. Nothing got broken. Maybe it was a kind of a providence? I don’t know. However I still feel a little pain in my nose bone from time to time, even after 1,5 year now. And I think the bone moved a millimeter to the left. I have some problems with breathing. I don’t know if I had them before. I wasn’t paying attention.
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All this situation made me feel really skeptical about life in general. What do I do art for if there are those primitive, ignorant people around me who know only how to hurt others? What have I done to this girl? Why does she go around the city messing around? She is still so young. She should rather get her education. Why does it make her feel better if she injures a face of another girl? Why people don’t care about kids and teenagers? This girl only wanted some attention from others and this was the only possible way for her to get it. Unluckily for me. On another hand I can be only sorry for her that she can’t see beauty in the world and other people, because life must be hell and a constant fight for her. After she hit me, she told me that she wishes me good life. Well. Maybe I can take it as a blessing in some way? I wonder what life will be like for her?
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The God issue November 30, 2008
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The issue of God and spirituality has been very inspiring to me through all my life. I feel God’s or angel’s presence when I travel or when I’m in difficult situations. Sometimes I try to depend on faith when I’m about to go and live in a totally new place. I never know if I find friends or a job there, if I’m going to be safe. I’m afraid. But you can’t be afraid of making serious decisions in your life, because you will never go ahead. Faith challenges you. It tells you everything is possible if you only believe. It tells you to change the world for the better.
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I don’t know how I can affect the world. I would like to be a good artist and an honest person. In the future I would like to have a family and a house open for everyone. But still there is a challenge in front of me now. I need strength and hope to go through difficult situations. I’m a fighter. I don’t want to sit it one place for all my life and regret or make wishful thinking. That’s why I need some extra power engine from time to time. For me faith is like novocaine, amfetamine, a drug, but in a positive sense – some super dose of energy put straight into your vain once at a time.
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Sometimes it irritates me if priests have an attitude towards people as if they were ignorant or not trying to be good, not caring for their life. However I like going to church, because it’s a different world. The Pope John Paul II was Polish and he was as famous in my country as Michael Jackson is in the world now. He was very inspiring to many people, including kids and my 8 years-old cousin.
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Warsaw is POSH! June 19, 2008
Posh
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I made this series of comics when I lived in Warsaw.
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Warsaw is the capital city of Poland. It is an interesting place to go to. It is a fuse of architecture from different eras and periods of time: Renaissance, Art Nouveau, Communism and present time. The most famous building is monumental and impressive Palace Of Culture built int the 1950s in the heart of the city by the Russians. It looks like a powerful mix of Empire State Building, British Parliament and White House, however it is rather beige. Its large interiors contain 3 theaters, a cinema, a swimming pool, a dance school, language school, art workshop rooms and an observation deck on the top. You can see all the city beneath your feet from there.
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| Warsaw – Polish Capital
My photo-story |
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There is a good photographic gallery in Krakowskie Przedmiescie Street: Yours Gallery. The collection of the Center Of Modern Art is not breathtaking, however you may go there if you you are strong-willed and engrossed in medium-level Installation, Performance and Video. Nevertheless some of the exhibitions are interesting. If you are a snob who cares about appearing in the right places and by chance being noticed by friends in that very moment – this is the place for you. If you are not, you might check it out after all.
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The lack of real problems
People in Warsaw show business usually have Glamour-like problems (=ridiculous and superficial problems): am I as good-looking as an average-looking TV series actress? I do not exercise and eat fast food – why am I fat? How can I be a traditional housewife and a career-making, cynical and spiteful single at the same time? I met a celebrity yesterday. Should I invite her/him for a dinner and ask all my friends to come, too, so that everyone would know that I have a famous colleague though I hardly know her/him? At first you laugh at it, but later on you get Glamour-like problems yourself. It is scary.
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(In) Security
Life in Poland always makes you feel insecure. You don’t know what to expect and you may expect everything.
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Art Schools
You may work at a posh graphic design studio in Warsaw and travel around the world as a freelance artist, but professor at Polish art school will hardly remember your name. Do not even try to tell him about your job or you will become an uncomfortable competition to him and he will fail you. Remember – he is a God. You are not gifted enough to be an artist. He gives you a chance to be one out of pity. Respect that. I always wonder if the Communist regime made the older generation have this “Computer Says No” syndrome or maybe there are this kind of people everywhere? I feel grateful that I got my MA degree in the end.
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